Everyone who's quaffed a cocktail with DicE co-founder Dean Micetich knows the man can weave a wicked yarn. Whether it's the tall tale about Cocaine Larry's train ride in the shit-stained Levi's, or his own last-minute blowfish epiphany at the tattoo parlor, this charming man has the gift of gab.

As it turns out, Dean also has a discerning eye for epic filmmaking. If Gene Siskel weren't already dead, Dean's favorite biker movies would probably kill him. I know they'd leave Roger Ebert speechless, which is why we asked Dean to review six biker classics in this lighthearted installment of our regular ChopCult feature.

The Cycle Savages

Who needs to even watch a film with a title like this? Holy shit nuts! Watching the film might actually even spoil what I have in my mind about it. Wouldn't it be so sweet if the bike scene as we know it today was still as cool as it was back in the savage '60s? I mean imagine you're standing there in 1969 and a rumble is about to go down and instead of throwing a punch, you run back home and post on a biker forum something like, "Fuck those guys...they are total posers." Awesome!

The Angry Breed

This film totally blows. From what I could gather by looking at the pixelated picture of the cover I found on Google, it's about a bunch of guys who ride crazy choppers across country and drink booze with their friends and sleep around with really loose women (disgusting) and basically don't have real jobs and waste their lives being greasy and totally gross. I would hate to be like them. Give me the film Robocop any day. Now he's a badass!

The Hard Ride

A lot of people would say I'm an idiot because most people who do film reviews actually watch the film so they can give a detailed description of it. However this is wrong and it takes way bigger balls to not watch it and then give an an absolute biased opinion on it. I have huge balls by the way. Anyway I was in a bar the other night and noticed there were only males in attendance and they looked very well groomed and toned. It was also apparently film night because 'Little Shop Of Horrors' was playing on the big screen. Now I'm not a homophobe, quite the opposite, I love gays. Not like that though! Every time someone in the film would say anything, ie: "Lie back and open your mouth…" the lumberjack barman would scream, "Oooooh, that's what I told him last night!" It was one of the greatest nights of my life.

Killers On Wheels

You know what is the real killer on wheels people? Yes, you got it in one. Texting and driving. Don't fucking do it! PS: Shit film.

Moto Vampiro

OMG! OMG! OMG! I LOVE this one. It's so realistic and the effects are totally kick ass! The main guy is a hunk, the main girl is a total slut bag and there is even a great fight scene where they break people in half by doing roundhouse wizard ninja kicks on their asses. This one really has it all. I didn't think a biker film could be this good. Oh fuck! Wait—I had the wrong disk in the player.

Hell's Belles

Well first off I'm totally bummed on this one. Not one chick in the picture is wearing a Pendelton or a pair of Vans? Hello! You call yourself a biker? I don't think so! I mean imagine you’re standing there in 1969 and a rumble is about to go down and instead of stabbing someone in the throat, you are too busy looking at those super cute green slip-ons that have three days left on eBay. Get it together woman!

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And for what might be the most cerebral rant on biker films extant, go here.