View Full Version : Joke Thread

08-27-2009, 9:56 PM
Have'nt seen a joke thread so here we go I'll start it ......

1. A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

2. How do you keep a amish woamn satisfied????

punchline: 2 mennonite

3. One morning in the office a woman passes a co worker in the hall
he says"My your hair smells nice"
She races into her bosses office and tells him what happen and that she is going to quit and file sexual harassment charges. Her boss tells her "what's wrong with a man telling you your hair smells nice"

The woman replies "He is a fucking midget!"

4. One day in a nursing home , 85 year old Mr.Smith goes up to the nurse and tells her "my penis has died"...Deciding to humor the old fella the nurse replies " Oh how horrible Mr.Smith I am sorry to hear that"

Two days later the nurse is making her rounds and finds Mr.Smith walking down the hall with no pants on and his genitals hanging out

"Mr.Smith!!" she exclaims "What are you doing I thought you told me your penis died" ......"it did" he replies........... "Today's the viewing"

Alright I know you guys have some good ones too lets hear 'em...........Laters

08-27-2009, 10:11 PM
A gay biker, a rabbi and polar bear walk into a bar.

After being ignored by the bartender for 15 minutes, the biker exclaims, "who does a motherfucker have to blow to get a drink in this shit hole?"

The preoccupied bartender screams back, "I'm busy--tell your fruity friend in the black hat and sideburns to reach over the bar and grab you a beer."

"This guy?" the biker replies, pointing to the rabbi. "Fuck him, he only works for tips."

Calmly the polar bear interjected, "That's cold."

Ok, so I made this shitty joke up. I guess my point is this:

Joke thread? Seriously? We'll let you have your fun, but I'm gonna move this off-topic doozy to the Junk Pile by sunrise Friday unless someone does better than these duds

08-27-2009, 10:17 PM
i don't get it

08-27-2009, 10:26 PM
A little girl asks her mother "mommy, is it true that babys come from where boys put their penises?"

The mother says "Yes it is honey."

"well wouldnt that hurt my jaw?"

08-27-2009, 10:31 PM
a drunk walks into a bar!

08-27-2009, 10:32 PM
British humor?
The joke only works if you read it with a deep Scottish accent.....

08-27-2009, 10:42 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.

A young, blonde nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

08-27-2009, 11:54 PM
Joke of the day....

The motorcycle industry.

Thank you, Thank you I'll be here all week.

08-28-2009, 12:41 AM
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"


"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"

08-28-2009, 3:26 AM
a guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and he says "so this is the pig i've been fucking"

his wife then says "that's not a pig"

and he goes "oh, i wasn't talking to you....."

08-28-2009, 10:59 PM
Q--Whats green and smells like ham

A--Kermit the frogs finger

09-04-2009, 4:03 PM
Newsbreak-- This just in Michael Jackson will not be buried but rather he will be creamated. This is due to the fact he is 90% made of plastic. He will be melted down and turned into legos so kids can play with him for a change.

09-20-2009, 10:30 PM
A guy asks his girlfriend to marry him
She says no
He lives happily ever after !

09-21-2009, 9:35 AM
Did I ever tell you about the midget I dated a while back?

I was nuts over her.


Thank you I'm here all week.....

09-23-2009, 2:43 PM
a cake and a muffin are sitting in an oven. the muffin looks over at the cake and says, "man, it's hot in here." the cake looks back at him and says, "holy shit! a talking muffin!"

10-04-2009, 12:38 PM
Farm Boy

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

10-04-2009, 12:48 PM

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.